My Take on Bryan Reeve's "Choose Her Everyday (Or Leave Her)"

Photo credit: Robyn Chance "Unfinished Artpiece" as introduced by Bryan Reeves

"I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behavior. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship … which still made me choose her even less." – Says the man who chose the wrong choice. 

(Read more of his article here.)

Photo credit: www.instantmanifestationtips.com

The real problem here is how our men were raised in general. Where else shall we blame it then? Culture? Practice? Norm? I’m no Einstein, but if they (our men) were just allowed to be who they want to be without the pressure of the society or the people around them, without the pretence that men are never wrong, that whatever they do must and should always be consented because somehow, they are the higher being, then, no, relationships would not be perfect, but rather relationships would be bearable.

What’s the point then of all of these when our relationships would not be absolute? Well, this is the sad truth. It is about time that authors stop writing about fantasies where in this universe, there are two pairs, star-crossed lovers or soul mates; that each and every one of us is born to be with our life partner, because life isn’t about eternal love. Life is about co-existence. It has been for time immemorial.

Perhaps many of you have heard this all before; “Love isn’t a feeling, but a choice.” We’ll, there you go. That’s the truth. Sometimes, we make a choice that we are not happy about, but we choose it otherwise because it is what’s good for everybody else. Identify this: the “feeling” isn’t good, but the “choice” was because it benefits the majority. Love is like that.

I am no subject matter expert on love, life and marriage, nor am I a licensed Psychologist, I am a Management Degree holder for crying out loud! But I think, being in a relationship with someone who is exactly like me for 2 years and being married to him for another 4 years, somehow gives me the right to explain why I feel that marriage or relationships should not be perfect but rather bearable.

He and I are not always in love with each other. There are moments when we both can’t bear to see each other’s face more so hear each other’s voice. Then there were nights when we both couldn’t bear sleeping without the other on the opposite side of the bed. Life was balanced like that.

I later on realized that in any relationships like marriage, women suffer the most. Nope, Darling, you would definitely not like what I will be saying in this article. But if you want the truth, read on.

Photo credit: www.mjblast.com

Women today are stronger and smarter. Not because they want revenge, but because they have been hurt for too long, struggled for too long, taken for granted for too long that they’d eventually learned from all of the bullsh*t their men had given them. Moreover, women today are stronger because their hearts have grown bigger, not just for themselves, but for their children.

I can say that I am not like my mother, who stayed with my father after all that has happened between them. My mom was a home maker. She solely relied on my father’s salary to live. Which is why she had pushed for us, her 4 daughters, to study hard, earn a degree and work our way up the corporate ladder, so that later on, should we marry, we wouldn’t have to depend on our husbands’ earnings. Great advise, I should say.

This is probably why I have so much thoughts about what Mr. Bryan Reeves has written. “Choose Her Everyday (Or Leave Her).” In his article he exposed himself on how he treated his significant other. Here, he also gave the advise of choosing to love your partner rather than focusing on the negative to make yourself feel better.  Well, my hat’s off to you sir, but your article will remain to be read only by women like me and not understood by other men like you. I loved your article, mine is probably nowhere near your proficiency and it actually inspired me to write about WHY men are like that, in the eyes of the women they are with. I just hope that mothers, wives, sisters, girlfriends who would be touched by this article would agree with me.

What’s funny is, contrary to what the world believes, it’s not us, women, who are fickle minded. It is actually you, men. You are more indecisive than any women you might know. Don’t believe me? Well then, allow me to further enlighten you.

You put on so many faces depending on who you are with. Us, women only wear three: Happy, Sad and Indifferent. There are just too many adjectives to describe each, but really, there are only three.

Happy – can be empathic, supportive, content, cheerful, jovial, bliss, etc.

Sad – can be unhappy, disappointed, miserable, gloomy, dejected, woeful, desolate, etc.

Indifferent – can be uncaring, uninterested, apathetic, unmoved, cold, etc.

Wherever we are, whoever we are with, there are only three faces we decide to put on. But you, you wear so much more.

At work:

You appear to be professional, strict, indifferent, straight, full of pride, serious, etc. You wear a face that seem so strong, no one can prove you wrong. You speak with so much conviction that it would shame anyone who dare disagree with you.

With Friends (private friends):

You appear to be happy, all guards down, no pretentions, you do crazy things that you wouldn’t dare show your co-workers. You spill your heart out. You are an emotional drinker. You cry more often with your friends than with your wife. You tell them things about you that you wouldn’t tell your wife. You become someone that you don’t even know exists. You feel that you are with your brothers.

With Colleagues (drinking buddies):

You let your guard half down, you laugh so loud that they all wonder why you are so stiff in the office. You tell them problems you wouldn’t normally talk about when you’re on your desk. You give them pieces of advise that you wouldn’t even apply to yourself. You spend most of your time with them than your children.

With Family (parents, siblings, cousins, uncles, aunts, grand parents):

You suddenly transform into your kid self. You mention words like how your family does it – with an accent. You show them that you are the boss of the household. That you can do whatever you want and that no one can question you. You spend the entire time with them without looking back to your own family to check whether or not they are doing just fine. All this because you wanted to prove everyone that you are in control. That you have lived up to their expectations of you. That you are a good provider.

With your family (your child and your wife):

In the beginning you had your determined face on. You were determined to win over the person you want to marry. You then changed it to happiness and contentment. You finally got her, had your last name annexed to hers, she is yours for the taking. Then serenity came to play when you were finally blessed with a child. Pride came into play when you can declare that you were able to start a family; that someone is to carry on your last name. Indifference came to play when you started to feel exhausted of the million times your wife has been asking, begging for your attention not just for her but also for your child. Weary because you thought that you’ve given everything you’ve got to provide for them. Critical because you feel that your wife is asking for too much but gives so little. Anxious because you knew you had been unfaithful to her. Deceitful because you have been lying to her face most of the time. Furious because no matter how good you are in hiding it, she had eventually found out. Regret because after so many years of pretending you just realize that you’ve taken the most important people in your life for granted.

You may feel that I am attacking men here, but I am not. Whichever part of the world, some men can relate to this whether we like it or not. Our fathers, husbands, brothers – they are all guilty of this.

Let me now go back to my original point. Men should be allowed to be who they really are. Not who they think they believe they are. It may be too late for my husband to change this, but I swear that I will not let my son think that he should be someone he is not to get my approval. I want him to express how and what he really feels and be responsible for it. I won’t tell him to be the strong one in the relationship. I will not ask him to be the only hard working one. He doesn’t need to prove himself to be accepted. He just have to be sincere.

If he marries a career-oriented girl, so be it. He need not drag her down to get on top. If he happens to marry a girl who is more successful than he is or what he has become, then so be it. He will be successful in any endeavour because he will support her and she him. No need to focus on her weaknesses, rather back up her strengths, because I know women, I know them very well. We support our men. We can sacrifice for them, heck we will die for them.

A sincere support of a man is enough to make the relationship work. Make the relationship more than bearable. Make the relationship last a lifetime.

They say that women should advocate and uphold their husbands, sure. But you first have to uplift your wives. Do not look at her thinking that she is the enemy. Do not look at her as someone who just focuses on your flaws. When she talks to you (which you might be more familiar with as “nagging”) listen. She is telling you what you need to know. There is no magic or special language to understand women, because they have been telling you what they wanted, needed, all the time, you are just too busy to listen, your mind pre-occupied with the many negative thoughts you have on her.

Wasn’t it you who once was determined as hell just to marry her? Wasn’t it you who once had that stupid smirk plastered on your face when she finally said “Yes?” Well then, maybe it is about time to MAN UP and be responsible for your life and the decisions you make. You wanted this, so don’t take her for granted. Don’t ever take your family (your wife and your children, not your parents and your siblings) for granted. You want to know why?

Because at the end of it all, they are the only ones you’ve got.